I actually went back and forth with myself for quite some time as to whether or not I wanted to post this. I considered how the crowd wasn’t what I expected it to be and how embarrassing that might be. I considered that no one would really care to even see the performance. My biggest consideration was showing my mistakes.
This performance is from February and at the time, I thought my health was fine. I felt I had made great strides in controlling an unknown condition and this was my first major test. To many, compared to my past experiences, it may seem like a resounding success, but I knew better. During the performance, I completely blanked on the opening of “Nobody”. I recovered pretty well in my opinion, but it lingered in my mind from that night on. Something is wrong with me. Everyone makes mistakes, yes, but there is something quite different from a simple, recoverable mistake and literally forgetting what you were doing while on stage.
I didn’t want to show that part of myself. I didn’t want to post of social media the health issues that I’m continuing to go through. I didn’t want to talk about how many times I’ve passed out, how many blood tests I’ve done, how many doctors have thrown in the towel on me, how many different medications and supplements I’ve tried, how often I have considered suicide….I didn’t want me to be about any of that. I wanted to be about my music. I wanted to be about my growth, my accomplishments, and my triumph. I realize now that showing only the best of me would be just as hypocritical of me as many other artists that seem perfect until a scandal. Everyone has a journey from point A to Z and it is in sharing the ups and downs that we all grow and feel more united.
With that said, I give you my unedited performance from RIFF (Richmond International Film Festival). I hope you enjoy it. I hope you see my effort. I hope somewhere in my selfish ramblings, something inspires you to try one more time to achieve whatever it is that you wish for in this life. Thank you.
*and as always, S/O to the homie BC Music 1st for coming through and getting all this footage for me. no idea what I would do without you, my dude!!*